Once again, thanks for the response. Again, another positive to add to my life 🙂 Things this week have been once again – going very smoothly. I find myself now in just an anxious state. Weird too, because when I was dealing with the anxiety and panic before I never really picked up and noticed the symptoms of just being nervous – I know I hear alot of people tell me how common it is to feel alot more anxiety while you’re in the process of recovering. Very true, and yes, very frustrating. The part I hate the most is the constant rearranging of negative thoughts. When i feel nervous I start questioning – and that’s the habit I have to get out of. Although as scary as it might be for me to admit, things are going all to well – and maybe I’m just freaked out because i’m not used to it going this way….not used to changing myself and my attitude. It’s hard work that I pray pays off in the long run. I heard alot of people say their anxiety and panic was a blessing in disguise because it made them improve their lives for the better – and once again, I’m hoping the same goes for me. Yes, it’s been months since I’ve had an attack – but the lingering anxiety just reminds me all to well and I’m trying to learn to let myself be not and to stop obsessing over my thoughts. The more positive I become, the more natural it’s feeling. Now I’m kinda left with a stomach ache time to time when I’m feeling anxious. I never let it get to where it used to be….
I haven’t dealt with this all my life, so I look as that as a plus. It’s only been a short few years and I think it was all the mistake of scaring myself over body symptoms which led to my first attack – since then – all down hill from there – although when I was on medication I was feeling good, but …. now I know how medication masks only the symptoms and doesn’t really fix the TRUE problem. Learning the coping skills and becoming a more positive person is what’s MOST important. Do you see yourself as a much more natural positive person now? Since I don’t have those odd feelings at all really more and the panic symptoms I find myself feeling all to open and strange sometimes – I guess I wonder where they all went, although I know I really don’t care anymore. I just have to learn to let go. The more so what’s …the less it matters. It’s learning to trust myself, and that’s where I’m having the hard time. Trusting myself and my body. I have to realize that I am my safe person, and that right there takes time and practice!!
I think everything now is what a memory – and yes, the memory still haunts … that’s where I need to work at. The memory of the feelings, all still very real sometimes, and some very strange thoughts I keep getting which I know aren’t real and true, but when I’m anxious, you couldn’t convince my mind of that!! Again, like I said, I go everywhere – I’m not going to stay strapped down to my bed in my room and locked in my house …. I wouldn’t do it for the life of me – if I have to panic and die while I’m out at somewhere, then SO BE IT 🙂 Which won’t happen, but you know what I mean. I’ll give you a good one though – one thing that I think needs the most working on is my interaction with people. Now remember, I was and still am a very friendly sociable person … but when I started having panic attacks I used to get nervous around people – I think I was always fearful of letting my thoughts get to me, fearing I’d have to run away, start sweating and just have my heart pound out of my chest while talking to them …. horrible thoughts! But it’s been all to much a reality to me while dealing with all of this, therefore it makes me very nervous around people sometimes. But I will tell you, it’s all a thought I know this – why isn’t my head understanding it? I practice it alot more now – especially here at work and with anyone …. I shouldn’t have to feel that way, it’s not fair to me…..because I enjoy talking and I don’t like being fearful of what COULD happen, which I know never WOULD. Would you have any idea on how to get rid of that? That’s one thought I try to talk to my therapist about, but I don’t really think she’s helping in that aspect. I’m not afraid of people – I just get afraid of panicking in front of them – I just hope with the dwindling memory of all of this, that will start to fade itself….and it is…I find myself alot more comfortable now, but I still have my moments.
Well, like I said, I definitely feel now that recovery IS possible! I used to freak myself out so bad sometimes that I would never get better – i had scary thoughts of killing myself too – not even images of what I would do or how i would do it – just anxious thoughts of that…and that only! I read though that it’s common for people with anxiety to have fearful thoughts like that. I think I was afraid to trust myself – I was afraid at one point that I’d never be normal again and I just would go crazy and do it. I’m just glad that the thought makes my stomach turn and doesn’t make me smile! Then I know I’m NEVER going to do it!!! 🙂 The thought still runs in my head sometimes … but, I think it’s just testing me at this point … it still makes my stomach hurt, so I’m still scared of it. I just hope this all evens out eventually….it’s so exhausting!!!
