I’m considering adding a section to Anxiety 2 Calm about sexual performance, impotence, and male fertility. I figured that most people who have anxiety think negatively about themselves and negatively about the future – the “Murphy’s Law” effect, what can go wrong will go wrong. It seems that those with anxiety will not only have a poor self body image which is likely to hamper sexual performance and libido, but will also imagine failing in bed. This of course is true of both men and women. Everyone knows about male sexual health and fertility, but for women a lack of libido can be easier to hide and easier to explain away. Few are surprised, even in this day and age, when a woman doesn’t want to rush into sex, but a man’s failings are much more obvious.
Like so much, male sexual problems are so easy to get over when they are caused by anxiety and negative thought. But unsurprisingly few get help as it’s so embarrassing.
Watch this space for a link to my new section on anxiety and sexual performance.
I am very glad to read that someone is going to explore anxiety and it’s relation to sexual dysfunction. All my adult life (I am now 50) I have suffered from both generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and sexual anxiety that causes sexual dysfunction. In my case the dysfunction is the inability to reach orgasm during partner sex (but not masturbation while alone)
I believe my problem has to do with the performance stress that intimacy in a relationship causes. If I don’t feel strongly for the partner, for example a one night stand, then I have no sexual dysfunction. I only suffer with it when I am in a serious comitted relationship.
From what I understand this is not your standard form of performance anxiety as that tends to happen at the beginning of a relationship, usually the first few times a couple has sex. My problems don’t occur until the realationship gets established, exactly the opposite of
standard performance anxiety.
I should also mention that often the anxiety that causes the sexual dysfunction is not conciously felt and the only sign of it is the dysfunction itself.
I have been in therapy for this with few positive results. Although I have been told the origins of this anxiety is family of origin trauma in childhood causing Adult Attachment Disorder.
I believe that the reason therapy hasn’t worked is not because of the therapists but rather the approach- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tries to change thinking in the here and now. I believe psychoanalysis or dynamic psychotherapy that investigates root causes in the past is the best method of resolving this kind of sexual anxiety. Sadly those therapy approaches have fallen out of favor in the theraputic community and it is difficult to find practitioners who use this approach.
I look forward to your further investigation of this subject.
You are not alone with this problem. I have been unable to reach orgasm with all of my sexual partners over the last eight years. The only time I did was the first time with my last girlfriend. This relationship lasted for a few years and I pretended because to orgasm because I was too embarassed to admit the problem and the longer the relationship went on the worst it became. In the end I had no sexual drive with her, yet still had no trouble masturbating.
It concerns me that this isn’t going to change and I have no idea how to solve the problem – if indeed I can.
Yes, Im in the same boat. Im 34 and I’ve been having the same problem for as long as I’ve been trying to have sex. Masturbation is always successful. (while alone or even during phone sex). In fact, I’ve even been able to achieve orgasm through oral sex, though not every time. But intercourse has been almost always unsuccessful (a few times I did have successful intercourse, and that was about 12 or 13 years ago, with a girl i was very much in love with). My problem now is im not even trying to put myself in a situation where I might ‘fail’ again, as the embarrassment is seemingly too much to handle. Bad news man, I hope someone posts more info about this Performance Anxiety Disorder stuffs…
I’m a girl in late twenties. I’m a long-term relationship with a guy mid thirties. I think he may have performance anxiety. He spoke to me about how he feels – which wasn’t an easy task as he explained it was embarassing.It’s been almost 5 months since we’ve had sex. I can barely get close enough to attempt. What bothers me even more is that my sex drive is at a peak and has been for a while. Needless to say I’m very frustrated, sometimes mad at him. Yet, I’m here trying to understand some of the feelings associated with performance anxiety. He’s told me this decrease in sex all together has happened in other relationships and thats when he moves on. So, anyway, I’m just very sad and I don’t know what to do.
I’m on the verge of proposing that we see a sex therapist. I’m much more open to the idea (i’m a psych student), but i’m afraid he isn’t. I also think medication would offend him.
Such a sensitive issues, do i talk about it some more or will that add more pressure to his anxiety?
🙁 sad sexless gf
You are wonderful for making the effort to understanding your boyfriend’s problem.
Reassurance plays a very important role in achieving a resolution. More importantly the way and manner it is offered.
Dont patronise.
Gently initiate the dicussion and quickly make it clear that you are in this together with him to achieve a good result. Add humor “I will require a exclusive ownership of you-know what till …… the soonest we get this resolved”
You have to be prepared to sacrifice your immediate sexual gratification to work with him.
Tell him of other non coital, ways of pleasing you, so he knows that he is doing something that you enjoy. This will eliminate guilt feeling.
Show him resource materials that lets him know he is not alone. That a lot of other men have the same problem,
Professional counselling is always a good option.
I think this is what is happening with my new boyfriend. We seem to get on really well and are very close emotionally. We spend hours kissing passionately and whenever we’re in public, even steal passionate kisses whenever we can (like teenagers!), but the few times we’ve slept together, he’s said he “isn’t ready yet.”
He tells me he finds me extremely attractive, etc, but that he’s afraid he isn’t able “to give or receive love.” He’s afraid sex would make the relationship “official” and that he might not be ready for the “responsibility” or loss of freedom, although he says he doesn’t want to date other women.
He’s also expressed anxiety about performance. I try to reassure him, but his anxiety levels appear to remain high. We’re both about 50 and have both had long relationships and marriages. This is the first rel. since his marriage.
I have added a post to this blog which answers the points raised in the last comment. To read that post please click here: Relationship Anxiety.
I also had a problem with impotence and was unable to perform. I discovered that anxiety and stress at work were my problems. I found a few herbal male impotence treatments online and they worked great. I don’t take them as much anymore as exercise and a better diet, I’m sure also helped.